you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
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Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
The Birdles
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
hi why am I like this