6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
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[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf