interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
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Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
and now we wait
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.