Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
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Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
the council will decide your fate
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.