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Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies