We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
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[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
estão todos miauvindo?
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?