Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
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Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.