wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
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“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]