I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
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Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
My kitchen overserved me.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Noah
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good