Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
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Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
I have a type: disappointing
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy