Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
You Might Also Like
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
cat faces on other animals, a thread
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.