ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
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A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more