God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
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I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.