If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
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I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started