[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
You Might Also Like
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
i baked you a cake
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
the last thing a carrot sees
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.