Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
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My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
I did not eat the cake…
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look