Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
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My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
this is 10/10 content no notes
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats