[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
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If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*