Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
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Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.