when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
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I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Spider-cat: No One Home
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.