Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
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My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.