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Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
absolutely not
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
drew a comic about my origin story
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.