[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
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I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..