Yaba daba do not resuscitate
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genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.