Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
You Might Also Like
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”