I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
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Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January