ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
You Might Also Like
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
all bases covered
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.