I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
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If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.