Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
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A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
i choose….tongue
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Message from the dog groomers
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills