Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
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I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will