Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
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I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.