I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
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BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
How actors in movies eat their food
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend