“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
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An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead