Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
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You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.