100% of divorces begin with marriage.
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Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly