The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
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[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you