Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
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HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
My current situation
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/