Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
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t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
The symmetry is uncanny.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Tell the colonel to bring it
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”