I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
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The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Important
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.