*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
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Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.