Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
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ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Need WebMD
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.