I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
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No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.