[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
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The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Yep.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.