My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
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I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
My brain is a bad influence on me
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Just a bush.