GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
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Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”