nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
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*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn