*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
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Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
I know karate and tons of other words.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
japanese corn
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing