Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
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[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it