“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
You Might Also Like
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
meow
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.