Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
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Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.